Facebook, the gym, and she....

The local radio station here in Leicester, on December 23rd, started their news broadcast by telling me that “Susan Boyle says she’s never been happier“. Now, whilst the thought of someone being happy is always a nice thing, why are the moods of Susan Boyle, now considered “news“? Then, I realised, we’ve all became obsessed with what people we don’t really give much of a shit about, are doing with their equally as meager lives. Twitter and Facebook are prime examples. By clicking over to my Facebook account right now, I can see that one of my friends (and by “friend“, I mean someone who added me, but hasn’t actually spoken to me) has just joined the group…. “The Risky Naked Trip From The Bathroom To The Bedroom”. It is possible that more people will join that group, than who will vote in the general election. A group of people, who need to discuss and share experiences, of walking to a bathroom naked. If I ever go to the bathroom naked, by the time I get back into bed, the moment has passed. I do not wish to relive it. I certainly don’t wish to bring it up in conversation. And if I did feel the need to talk about it, I’d do it at a wholly inappropriate time….. like at work. Whilst serving someone who wants to know what wine we have….yet quite clearly knows nothing about wine. I would probably say “Okay, whilst you choose between wines you have never tasted before yet pretend to know all about, i’m going to go to the toilet……. which at home, I do whilst naked, nob flailing about and everything…. bye“.
Not one status update over the past few days has mentioned the attempted Downing Street coup lead by Patricia Hewitt and Geoff Hoon…… but, at least 50% of status updates about the recent heavy snow fall, have used the exact same line of comedy gold: “I have seven inches right now“.

I’m not free from this new level of stupidity. In fact, I embraced it full on.
Is it just me who feels an overwhelming sense of disappointment when you haven’t been on the internet for a day or two, and then you sign into Facebook, and you have no new notifications? Not even a friend request from someone who has accidentally added the wrong person as a friend? Not even someone “liking” your last slightly pointless status update?
Does this sense of disappointment prove that perhaps we’ve all became a little too brain dead? I do try to balance out my waste of a life on facebook, with an actual book in the evening. But, i’m always secretly thinking “What if someone has updated their facebook status, and used poor spelling and grammar? I NEED TO CORRECT IT! Or at least leave a witty spelling-nazi remark.”

In 2010, I plan to use my time much more productively than perhaps I did in 2009.
The gym is my first port of call. I put on quite a substantial amount of weight the last time I went to the gym. I became toned! And for the first time ever, not at all self conscious. Now, i’m a pale skinny white English kid again. So I plan to change that. This however, still doesn’t mean I plan to embrace gym life completely….. because to embrace it completely, men have to walk around the locker rooms naked, and talking to each other with cocks flying around everywhere. It’s the only place on the planet that standing talking to another man with my cock out, is considered masculine. Strange.

Secondly, and most importantly…… I will be working more shifts. And I will be saving a lot of money.
There is a reason for this.
I HAVE AN AUSSIE.
Over the New Year period, I met a girl.
She’s a little bit perfect. Ambitious, witty, kind, intelligent, independent, eloquent, and happens to have THE most beautiful smile on the face of the planet.

People often say “when you meet the person for you, you just know it.” I didn’t really pay much attention to those sorts of sentiments. Whilst the idea of there being one person who suits me better than anyone else is a beautiful one, logic suggested the opposite. Since meeting Ashlee, my entire view has changed. A complete 180 degree turn.

It seems to me that everyone has a romanticised ideal of love buried at the back of their minds. But, when they don’t meet that person who happens to fit that romanticised ideal, they, quite masterfully, settle for second best and try to pathologically justify their misery with “Well a relationship is tough in reality!!” They give up on their happy ending, and replace it with a degree of cynicism, and it always made me wonder how anyone can resign themselves to such cynicism, and be truly happy. More often than not, couples to me seem to just not suit, as if they’ve chosen the easy option, but the less happy option. I now know that I have just “settled” for people who aren’t right for me. Until now. The phrase is right. When you meet the person for you, you do just know it. It hit me like a truck. Within seconds of meeting her in fact, I knew that this was the girl I wanted to spend my life with. It just made sense. Thankfully she feels the same. Now, I feel the need to talk about her to everyone. I feel like everyone is missing out, by not knowing her. This kind of feeling, is utterly new to me.

There is a problem.
She was backpacking here in the UK when I met her. She is now back in Australia, and we’re working on an extremely long distance relationship. Dropping her at the airport and watching her leave, was so spectacularly awful, I could quite happily have jumped security for one last hug, and been whisked away by anti-terrorist police, by which time The Daily Mail would have printed a story about me having “visited Mosque once in Istanbul…. blatant extremist“. I will be working twice as hard because I plan to go and stay with her for two months, during the summer. We realise it’s madness, and it’s a long time to wait, but the little man in my mind is saying “She’s the other half of you! Let her go, and you’re quite honestly a fucking idiot“… and that little man is right. She appeared from nowhere, and in a very short space of time, completely turned everything around for me.

2010, is about getting back to her.
You’re all invited to the wedding.

About these ads