When you’re endlessly struggling to understand yourself, or your purpose, you eventually just start to give up placing yourself. Luckily, I’m not quite at that stage. I’m still searching for a reason to be. Perhaps purpose is the wrong word; as argued in a separate blog a while back, I’m pretty certain there is no such reality as “purpose“, it is simply a man made concept designed to keep our minds focused on something that doesn’t involve any form of rebellion. So perhaps purpose doesn’t suit me, perhaps “different” suits me.
With this in mind, I’ve been mapping out each road in my distinctly annoying mind, and deciding which of those possibly roads is likely to cause the greatest incalculable source of happiness on my inner hedonistic calculus, if I were to take that specific road. At first, I thought of a month around Europe; hostels, new people, new places, on my own with no one else to worry about. Then, came the idea of a Far East week. A week exploring the seemingly perfect and tranquil setting of Halong Bay in North East Vietnam; a different World to the one I’m struggling to understand here in England. The Communist Revolutionary Ho Chi Minh once said of Halong Bay; “It is the wonder that one cannot impart to others“. And whilst I’d give my right arm to spend a week within a wonder that “one cannot impart to others“, it would only be a holiday, it would offer nothing of substance, and spiritually, would appear to be slightly pointless.
So, I’m currently saving every last penny of my punitive income to do what I should have done years ago; Volunteer work abroad. gapyearforgrownups.co.uk offers some magnificent opportunities. From orphanage volunteering, to natural conservation work. There is something for everyone. Costs are the problem. The program I’m currently considering deeper than the others, is called the “Tanzania Reach Out to Children” project, in which volunteers help with the education and development of Tanzania’s orphaned and disadvantaged children. Nursery and day care centres, and primary to secondary education. A four week program, costs £879. That price doesn’t include flights or travel insurance or the £115 Class C Permit Visa, or the £25 tourist visa. Costs start mounting. Flights to Dar es Salaam from Birmingham, come in at £650 at least. It’s a hugely costly program, but I’m certain I can do it. It’s almost a dream job, because it involves helping those who need it most, and so is satisfying by definition; as opposed to making money for the pretentious rich ignorant self important idiots in suits that I usually waste my time demoralised for. This, is the only rewarding aspect of life I can possibly think worthy of my time and effort.
So, this is my new goal! I feel ridiculously better about myself today, for even having a goal. But then (and here’s that little annoying mad man in the back of my mind again, Sylvia Plath’s mirror haunting me constantly), surely my motives are all wrong? Surely my motive is self gratification and a need to create a sense of spiritual bliss, rather than a genuine need to help those who require assistance the most, even though I do feel and always have felt a distinct sympathy for the less fortunate peoples of the World (hence why I’d never bring myself to vote Conservative). It’s a tricky predicament. Do motives even matter, if someone who needs help is being helped? Hmmm. Either way, this is my new goal, and I’m going to do it. I have decided that when I do it, I will take my camera, and document it, as my own personal Photography side project, because I’ve given up recently on my Photography, and I really should start up again. This, is the perfect opportunity. I intend to show, through my Photographs, that despite the claims of the ridiculous Right Wing, humanity is not intrinsically selfish, and that the forgotten regions of the World need all the support they can get. It’s an idea I’ll keep thinking about and evolving, as time goes on. Especially as I’m embarking on a Journalism degree this coming September. It all makes perfect sense.
Go team Jamie!