Homosexuality played a key part in Christmas this year.
Christmas just wouldn’t be Christmas without the murderous middle eastern tyrant of “wanting to wipe Israel off the map” fame telling us all we should hate gays.
Or the nazi pope telling us all that homosexuality is more damaging than Climate Change. Or, more damaging than an idiot in a hat that very much resembles those worn by the Ku Klux Klan, preaching ancient bigoted bullshit to a bunch of brain washed blinded fellow bigots. The Pope needs to stop directing his anger at ordinary people, and direct it at Leona Lewis and Alexandra Burke for metaphorically shitting on the concept of music.
And then of course there was all the gay porn DVDs granny bought me. She says she bought me them, but they were already opened. I suspect they’re the old ones that the family didn’t want any more. I mean, Arse Menace II is so 1999.
Oh and not forgetting the largely ignored fact that Jesus and his twelve disciples were raving homosexuals. Sad times.
Christmas intrigues me. I celebrate it purely for the gifts, the smiles, the family, and of course the food. I care less that it’s the Birth of a man who’s life we know absolutely nothing about (The Bible is not a historical record), than I do for the fact that December 25th is also Dido’s birthday. I genuinely love Christmas, because the mundanity of life becomes amplified and those little pleasures you find in the simple, seem to grow ever so large.
As i’m searching “Boots” on the 23rd, waiting to buy even more last minute cheap gifts, wondering if I could peel the price tag off without ripping the packaging, I don’t want people to know i’ve spent only £2 on them………. even that’s a lie….. it was £1.40, with the VAT cut and the Sale discount. I notice a kid acting suspiciously. He suddenly makes a sprint for the doors. It’s amazing because it’s the first time i’ve ever seen a chav in sports clothes, actually doing an activity other than cider drinking. As he ran for the door the security guard grabbed him. He’d tried to steal two boxes of…… Tampons. I had two questions at this point. 1) What does he need tampons for? Is his arse bleeding? Is that why he made a break for the door, he needed to get home to “plug it in?” and 2) Is he buying those for someone else? A christmas present perhaps? How pissed off would you be if your boyfriend wrapped up some Tampons for you at Christmas? Nonetheless, it was a beautiful moment made all the more beautiful by the fact that the security guard pulling the tampons away from him, was an angry woman. Is there anything more poetic in life than that?
I was standing in the queue at “Boots”, waiting to pay, when out of nowhere I heard the most paradoxical conversation ever spoken by man. It was a disaster of a conversation but oh so beautiful and Melliflous a conversation that when I recount it to you in a second, I will have to end this blog at that point, because I am unable to find the words that can properly emphasise my indelible joy.
So prepare yourselves….
Old man 1 : Ello Dave!
Old man 2 : Oh ello Kev, how you been?
Old man 1 : Yeah not bad, how you been?
Old man 2 : I’ve been top class mate, how’s Edith fairing up these days?
Old man 1 : She….she died.
Old man 2 : Oh Kev I am sorry………………………………………. looking forward to christmas?