Today, i’m having one of those moody days. They don’t happen often. I’m a happy person. Today, i’m moody. Today, i’m not happy. That’s a bit of a lie, i’ve not been happy for a while now.
I’m not sure why either. Actually, I am, but i’m not. It’s terribly strange like that. Perhaps it’s easier if I say I’m moody for reasons that always make me moody once in a while, but I shouldn’t actually be moody.
More than usual today, i’ve been unable to shake the thought that i’m wasting my life. I get the feeling i’m taking the easy route, choosing the road most travelled, rather than the one i’d like. Easy, comfortable, guaranteed love from some and resentment from others. Just like it’s always been. But I don’t want that. I want excitement, uniqueness, the unpredictable. I don’t want to be sure of what will happen tomorrow, and yet, i’m not able to break the easy way I always fall into a routine I do not like. I want to destroy routine, destroy all comfortablility in my life, and make memories born out of the unknown. At the moment, my entire life lacks excitement and passion of any form. I crave yesterdays, I miss yesterdays. I want more, and I want something totally different now. I’m quite fed up now. Everything is too perfect too by the book, I feel like an old man, there is no chaos or anything unpredictable, everything is careful and sensible, and it’s very very shit.
I’m never happy doing one thing, or working the same job, or living one way for too long, I need to constantly change what i’m doing just to satisfy my hedonistic need for some form of excitement, and yet recently i’m becoming stuck in one way that I do not know how to break.
2009 is going to be a year of change for me.