ARGH! I’m slowly going crazy!
Around about 2005 I had a horrible feeling of worthlessness. I hated my work, I hated wasting my days doing nothing. I became trapped in a routine I did not want. Luckily for me, I changed it. And again, became supremely happy.
I’m certainly not the sensitive type. I don’t take things to heart. I can deal with being criticised or insulted, it’s nothing that bothers me. I have a pretty loose sense of humour, and so can find the funny side of pretty much anything. It’s a defence mechanism, that shields me from my inner sensitive side.
Over the past few weeks i’ve been falling victim to my own inner madness. It’s not like it was in 2005, I don’t have the “worthless” feeling, because now, I almost want to be worthless when it comes to the rest of the World. I want to be worth something to myself, and i’ve slowly realised that when i’m working 9-5 doing the same shit every day, I’m ignoring myself. The cries of “get out!” from my mind are put to one side for the benefit of a monthly pay slip. I’ve got over that, and so my worthless feeling no longer exists. And in that sense, i’m pretty fucking happy. I certainly don’t dislike myself, in fact, quite the opposite. I love me!
This time though, I have a horrible sense of confusion that’s threatening to engulf every part of my life. And there is no way to shake it. I’m confused about work. I’m confused about my own intelligence. I’m confused about relationships and what I want. I’m confused about what is expected of me. I’m confused about why i’m sticking things out when all it’s doing is making me more unhappy. I’m confused when people say something overly positive about me, whether or not they really mean it. I’m confused as to why I feel both happy, and miserable at the same time. I’m confused about what I want out of life. I’m confused about who’s trustworthy and who’s just playing with me. I’m confused about pretty much everything, and it’s slowly driving me mad.
I can’t shake it. It keeps me awake, I spend my spare time trying to rationalise my confusion. It’s difficult to understand myself and so this is why I blog it, to try to make better sense of my current confusion. I find it impossible to just “talk” to anyone about how I feel. I get uncomfortable. I prefer to blog how I feel. But even then, I get confused and start again.